First, I want to share my journal entry from “day 1” – this is the day after, once I got released from jail. My purpose is not to try and garner any sympathy, nor is it to condemn myself, but to show what does go through someones mind, at least in a very edited sense, when they reach a place of no return. This, I suppose, is mostly for those who are going through what I have gone through – simply, addiction. Addiction can come in many forms, alcohol, drugs, sex, smoking, eating, gambling, and even worse, things that we would never assume to be bad in the first place – but in truth, we are addicted to self. When we are addicted to something, whatever it is, we are totally relying on ourselves to fix the problem – whether it is stress, depression, fear, loneliness or what have you, we are trusting in our own human nature. Ironically, because the addict has to, yes HAS to turn to what ever he or she is addicted to, the addict knows it doesn’t really solve the issue, it is a band-aid. The addict knows that he or she will have to have their fix again. Whether it be a couple of hours, or a couple of days, the need will come.
Day One – September 6, 2013
Today was probably the toughest day of my life, as it should have been. I screwed up bigger then I have ever done before. Last night, in anger and drunkenness, I threw a beer bottle at my wife from my bar as she was going to the basement stairs. What possessed me to do it was stupidity. Of course, my wife called her father, as she should have. They called my brother and he told them to call the police, as he should have, and they did, as they should have. I was arrested and taken to the Providence Police Department holding cells, where my cell was sparse, with a toilet/drink fountain combo and a metal rack for a bed. Sleep was impossible, even though I was exhausted. Not just because I was scared and humiliated. Not just because I felt so bad that I had done what I did, but also because the bed just simply was extremely uncomfortable. Eventually the sun rose and my picture was taken and so were my finger prints – both digitally and with ink. Finally I was handcuffed to two other inmates and we were taken to the courthouse to be arraigned. I had never been arraigned before, and I pray I am never again. Thankfully – it had to have been God – the Sherriff Deputy who took charge of us was a good friend of mine. Eventually we were taken into the court room and I saw my wife sitting in the back and I almost started to cry. With here was Jaime’s wife, who had just happened to procure his lawyer to help me. I was released without bail, which is wonderful, with a court date on September 19 at 9am. The blow was that I was ordered by the judge to not communicate or go near my wife until I go to court. Finally, around 12pm I was released and Jaime’s wife Alice took me to Ruth Anne’s parent’s house where I will be staying until either the court date, or if my wife decides to drop charges, until then. When I got here my kids were here and it was such a wonderful feeling to get to see them and hug and kiss them. I took a nap from around 1pm to 3:30 pm. When I got up, Noel and I had a talk, which was very good. I helped Noel out at 82 Chapin a little bit, then he went over and picked up my kids and brought them over. We played outside and then got ice cream. Of course, they then had to leave. I miss them so much, but I miss my wife even more. I just wish I could tell her I love her, tell her I am so sorry, and ask her to forgive me. I am so tempted to just text her, but I am so afraid to not follow the judge’s order – it kills me inside. I know it is all my fault. I know I have to stop drinking right now entirely, and I am fine with that, in fact I am looking forward to total sobriety so I can finally be a true husband and dad. So I can finally spend all of my free time with my family, not zoned out or passed out or pissed off. I just wish I could tell Ruth Anne these things. I cried all night in my cell, I just want to go home, I just want to be with my family – they are all that matter to me now. I just wish I could have seen and understood that before and not been a selfish asshole. I don’t like it when I am that way, and I do not want to be that way ever again. I want to be like I am now, sober, humble, loving, caring, weak but strong… and I want to be that way for my wife and kids, and I just want to be that way at home. It was so great to spend time with my kids, I told Johnny to tell his mommy that I love her and I am so sorry… I hope he remembers and does it. Ruth Anne, I love you – you and our kids truly are my world, I don’t want to ever hurt you again, I am so sorry… please forgive me.
yet nothing seems to be.
Alone and forgotten,
I feel, even when sunshine lights up my face.
My love is left alone,
all because of me.
I long to hold her once more,
to kiss her face,
to make her laugh,
but for now,
to hear her voice
would mean the world to me.
Yes, it is full of self reliance in many ways, and it is full of a lot of other things – understand, I had just gotten out of jail, and every fear that I had ever had came rushing at me. Sadly, the first thing I thought of once I stopped feeling sorry for myself was that I hoped Ruth Anne hadn’t poured my vodka out. She did, and later on while sitting in jail, after praying, I wanted her to anyways. But that is how the addict thinks… if I can only have ________ fill in the blank, it will be okay, at least for a little while. It is insanity at its finest.
I’ve had two people ask me why in the hell I would share these things. It is simple, this isn’t just about me, or about my family and I, it is about every single person who struggles with addiction and self dependence. Though we think we are alone, and we usually make sure we “are,” we are not. It is not something to be ashamed of, God has made us intense individuals. Biblically, King David was an addict… he had to have Bathsheba… he ended up on the run with his enemies surrounding him – it almost makes you wonder how many of those enemies were spiritual and in his head versus the physical ones with swords. David was not just running from Saul, he was running from himself, his carnal and earthly desires. Until he found the one thing most beautiful – which he eventually proclaims his only desire is to be in the presence of that – God, he ran. To “prove” this with modern genetic science – since scientist believe addiction is hereditary… just look at Solomon. Paul, had a thorn in his side that God would not remove… was it addiction, possibly. As believers in Christ, we are not immune, I would even argue that we are more vulnerable because the enemy hates us more then the unbelievers. We can not be as Adam and Eve and trust in our own intelligence, we must trust and put our faith in God.
I had seven people ask me was I was judging or condemning myself. I am not, I am simply stating the truth and what is in my heart. In a way, it is a confession – a confession that if it simply went to a priest, yes, would get absolved, but would not get healed. A confession that I could simply lay in bed and pray to God and confess, and I am forgiven, but I would not change. How do I know this? Because I have done it all before. As my wife wrote in her latest post, the chains had to be broken – I didn’t need forgiveness, I already had that, but the chains were still there. That, and honestly, I as tired of hiding, and I was tired of being hidden from, that, and I believe God told me to, again, not just for me, not just for me and my family, but the person who might stumble upon these silly rants, as he smokes a joint or as she turns back her whiskey and realizes, I am not alone.
I also wanted to clarify some things: My fear – no longer consumes me. Does it rear its head… yes, will it arise at some point in the future, I am sure. If you know me, I would not have been able to post the last post if I was afraid. Anxiety – When I say anxiety, I mean normal nervousness that gets compounded by fear, no, I will not take medication. I am not saying medication is wrong, but I believe personally that more times then not it is not necessary and in the end could do more harm then good – it makes someone addicted to something else – this is especially true with drug related addiction.
I don’t want anyone’s pity, I’ve had enough of that over the years. All I want is prayer and support, and I thank those very much who have, either today or in the past week. I am not saying I have all the answers – I don’t know if I have any answers, honestly, I don’t care, it is not me who is in control, it is God. This journey, the true struggle, has just begun. Lastly, I’d like to thank Ruth Anne – though we can’t communicate yet, and no, I am still not home, her love and support has been evident, not only in her Facebook and blog posts, but in my children’s eyes when I see them, and in their hugs and kisses. I can see my wife so clear in them, and it is such a blessing, and I can feel her love in every smile. Goodnight all.