Marriage · Philosophy

The Raindrop Upon My Heart

A raindrop,
Like a bird,
Finds a resting place on the ground . . .
Like the raindrop,
Dreams find rest in my head,
And you,
Like a dream,
Find a place in my heart.
A friend for a lifetime,
A love for a moment,
And that moment is my eternity.
My mortality is found,
As I gaze into your eyes,
And my life hangs upon your breath.
I dream,
As the raindrops fall,
And the wind blows them away.

When I wrote that many years ago, it was before I met my wife, now of seven years, almost eight. it was before our fateful meeting, before five children – soon to be six. It was before I moved from Georgia to Rhode Island to be with her, it was before I could even imagine being married to the person i am today. I didn’t write it for any one in particular, at least at the time. i know now it was for her.

We met in the most unexpected of places – Facebook. Yes, you read that right, Facebook. We had some mutual friends through our church denomination, I was lonely and depressed, and I sent her a friend request (That rhymes.. weird.. anyways). After several long conversations on Facebook and the phone, she would make the choice to come visit me as I was studying at the University of Georgia, and i would like to say one thing led to another and “Bam” we were married, but that isn’t really the case. I was in a bad way, in a lot of ways, but for some reason she loved me.

She would get pregnant on her second visit to Georgia, and to be honest, it is not a visit, much like the first, that I remember very clearly – I said it before, i was in a bad way. I remember bits and pieces – i know my foot hurt (gout as i know now), we watched the TV series Rome from the floor – i got her to try cheap whiskey. I still claim somethings  iwill not mention here that we both know are not true, but have become an inside joke to both of us. Honestly, i don’t remember if this was the first trip to Georgia or the second, but in the end it doesn’t matter.

Eventually I would “straighten up,” essentially pull my head from my ass, and decide to take full responsibility for my half of my future wife’s pregnancy. I moved to Rhode Island, we got married, and the rest is history as they say. I don’t know if i made the “correct” decision, believe me, there were plenty of people who said I didn’t, but it was the decision I made, sober and coherent (which at the time was a small miracle in itself), and here i am.

In August of 2009 i made the trek to Rhode Island, along the way meeting many members of my wife’s family for the first time. My future father-in-law gave me a job (a job I still have eight years later) and my future brother-in-law provided me, and eventually my wife as well, and apartment to live in. We have since outgrown that apartment and now own a home. on September 12, 2009 we said our vows and joined together in matrimony. Eighteen days later, our first child Katherine was born. Less then a year later that, my firstborn son, John was born. Since then, we have added Karl, Zachary and Nicholas. In a couple of months we will add Xavier. In this time, my wife has gone from working full time to being a full time mother and homemaker (a job in itself). We have bought a home, we have gone through four vehicles, and in need of a new one to fit the sixth child. We have had our ups, downs and in betweens. We have laughed, we have cried, we have yelled, we have talked at a normal pitch. We have been angry, and we have acted in love. To sum it up, we have been married, and though it doesn’t always feel good, there is no other place I’d rather be.

Lets be frank, my wife has seen me at my worst. My wife has seen me at my lowest point, and she is still here, standing beside me. My wife’s love has never seemed to waver – though I am positive she has doubted herself and beyond that, doubted me. All in all it has not been perfect, but I understand that love in itself is never perfect, its just love, and that is okay, because that is what it is supposed to be. Being slow to anger does not mean there is never anger in love, and just because you love someone does not mean you let them be the way they want to be no matter what – it is just the opposite. Love is lke a grinding wheel, taking away the dirt and grime, and then it is like a polishing wheel, making the jewel inside shine.

I don’t consider myself a great person, a great husband, or a great father. Yet, my wife stands beside me despite this. Despite my shortcomings, my wife is always trying to make me smile. I can be an asshole (not sure where I got that from), and my wife is quick to let me know, and that is a good thing – even though I may not feel like it is at the time. I don’t spend enough time with her, I don’t always give her what she wants, even when i know what it is. I don’t always say the right things (she’d probably tell you I never say the right things), yet she still loves me. To be honest, sometimes I wonder why she loves me, but I never doubt her love, for it is always there. We have had our share of arguments and disagreements. Like most married couples, we have had our shouting matches. Yet through it all, her love remains.

When I was a little boy, I prayed to God to give me a wife that had three things: #1: I asked for her to look good in red (it being my favorite color), #2: I asked that she would be a good cook (I love to eat), and #3: I asked that she would be beautiful (i mean, of course). i joke with my wife that one out of three isn’t bad (for she is beautiful), but the reality is God answered all three, and then some.

My wife is the epitome of the “Proverbs 31” woman, she is a most wonderful mother to our children and a better wife to me then I could have ever imagined. My wife might not appear strong, but she is the strongest woman I know, and though i don’t always show it well, I love her with all of my heart. She has been the one to stand beside me in my lowest and darkest times, and i am proud to share any spotlights I have on me at my highest moments. For without her, i would not be where I am today. She has blessed me with children, she has blessed me with a wonderful home, and i could not ask for anything more then what she has freely given as my wife.

She is the raindrop upon my heart, which in the moment that it rests, is an eternity to my soul. Though the moment, in the grand landscape of time is fleeting, it is forever to me. When i look at her, I find my mortality simply due to the fact that if i lost her, I would lose myself, an internal death that could only find resurrection with her presence. in ways it does feel like a dream, but in that dream my reality rests, and even though I don’t always acknowledge it or realize it, I am happy and beyond content. Though I didn’t know it when I first met her, she is the love of my life, my soul mate, and for that, I am eternally grateful that we found each other, thankful that we were brought together.

I say all this to praise her, for she deserve it. In many ways, through her, my own life was salvaged. Our beginning was not perfect, nor is our current state, but that is okay, for that is how I believe it is intended to be. I could not imagine myself loving anyone else as I love her, and nor do I want to. For in the imperfection of life I have been graced with perfection of love through her.

In a month and a half, we will celebrate eight years of marriage. I know, a seemingly short period of time. But that time has been like a lifetime to me. Shortly after, we will celebrate the birth of our sixth child – we really have to stop having Fall babies so we can fully celebrate our anniversary. I look forward to another eight years after that, and God willing, eight more years multiplied many times afterwards.

I can’t explain why my wife loves me. in fact, it truly shocks the hell out of me at most times. Yet, I know she does, and in many ways, that is enough. Her love gives me strength, confidence and peace, and for that I am thankful. Marriage and spouses are not about perfection, or even happiness. They are about love.
____________________________________________

My wife is a wonderful photographer and blogger, if you are willing to suffer through my writings and rants, her are much better:

Holloway Family North
Ruth Anne Holloway Photography

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s